Enough...

When is enough, enough? When do you decide to walk away?How do you even walk away after investing so much of yourself into something? Do you walk away when the words hurt instead of heal? When the hand inflict pain instead of a gentle caress? When actions tears you up inside instead of building you up? When you're on a rollercoaster of emotions instead of plain ol' happy or sad? Honestly I don't know...I don't know when enough is enough. I'm constantly weighing up pros and cons, what if I leave, what if I stay...what do I achieve by doing that? Extending the heartache, that's all. I'll never be completely happy here, how do I know that? Well I've invested more than expected in this, my all; heart and soul. What did I get in return?probably half of that, not because it can't be done but due to uncontrolable circumstances. This is not my happy ending though I've hoped it would be. It's tiring to go out and open yourself up to love and it's not being reciprocated. I honestly don't have the energy to start over and I guess that's why I'm still here, despite everything. I'd also like to know someday, when I walk away, that I gave it my all, that I've weathered all the storms that was sent my way. It will leave me drained and disillusioned but it would be a learning curve, painful yet satisfying.

Helpless

I want to help you but I don't know how. I want to ease your pain and lighten your load but where do I start? When you love someone, whether it's friend, lover or family their pain becomes yours, their struggle, heartache and battles is yours. You have to remain strong in order to support them but not loose yourself in the process. We all learn to be strong at some stage in our lives, mine started about 10years ago and it's still an everyday battle. I've hoped that by now I'd have someone to be strong with and for me but alas that wasn't my destiny. There are times when I want to give up, let life take over and just swim with the current but my inner warrior refuse to give up, refuse to admit defeat. I often feel like a hamster on a wheel, the same struggles every single day, if not my own it's someone else's. I wish I could care less, wish that I could leave them to fend for themselves but it's not in my nature. I have trouble sleeping, when I eventually do, my dreams are haunted. My days turned into nightmares and I feel like I'm calling out for help but my voice is not heard. I wish to return to my carefree teenage years, where I had no worries or troubles, where life was one big party. Adulthood left me disillusioned, robbed me of my innocence and stripped me of any naivety that I might have had about life. All that's left now is to get on that hamster wheel and start this whole cycle again or find a way off it, either way it won't be easy, guess all I need is faith...