Dreams...my nightmare. 

I’m one of those people that love to sleep though most of the times I’m unable to. My mind is always in overdrive and even when I’m exhausted, I’m still not one of those individuals that fall asleep as soon as their head hits the pillow. Add into the equation that I suffered from sleep paralysis from a very young age and you may understand why I dread falling asleep. I grew up with people that believed in tikoloshes, mind you I even saw one once, black magic and supernatural beings and even though it scared the living daylight out of me, I found it fascinating. At first, that was the explanation for my sleep paralysis and I believed it until I’ve heard about more people suffering the same fate and done some research on it.

For those of you who don’t know what sleep paralysis is, here’s the Wikipedia explanation: “sleep paralysis is a phenomenon in which a person either during falling asleep (hypnagogia) or awakening (hypnopompia), temporarily experiences an inability to move, speak, or react. It is a transitional state between wakefulness and sleep, characterized by muscle atonia (muscle weakness). It is often accompanied by terrifying and unusually powerful hallucinations (such as an intruder in the room) to which one is unable to react due to paralysis, and physical experiences (such as strong current running through the upper body).”

It’s a very scary thing to experience if you’re only 9 years old and no one has an explanation for it. Scarier than that was the actual explanation they’ve had, as aforementioned. I’ve been too afraid to go sleep for so many years and most people don’t understand, they don’t get why I’m still awake at midnight even when I’m extremely tired. They don’t get why, even if I’ve slept for 10 hours I’m still tired or have circles under my eyes or look like someone who hasn’t slept a wink. Some suggested alcohol or sleeping pills but I can’t do either because they mess up my dreams even more. Speaking of dreams, the reason for this post by the way…as if sleep paralysis isn’t bad enough, I dream. And no, not dreams in the common sense but dreams where it actually came true.

My dreams literally becomes my worst nightmare…every morning I wake up,praying that I won’t remember it because if I do…it never ends well. The dreams started long after the sleep paralysis, I was 17 at the time and in matric. I won’t mention their real names but all of this actually happened. I’ll only mention 4 incidents even though there’s a lot more because I really don’t want to relive everything right now.

Incident 1:

My grandmother passed away at home when I was 17 at the age of 86. She had a mild stroke, lost feeling in the one side and passed away a week later. Everyone was in the room with her when it happened except me and apparently her eyes were scanning everyone intently (she couldn’t really talk at the end). Everyone could see she’s holding on to see someone, we thought it was one of her kids as only my mom was there out of the 4 but as soon as I walked in, her eyes fixed on me and she blew out her last breath. A week after her funeral I had a dream about her. She told me that they never washed her at the mortuary, which I think is standard procedure. My mom washed her after she passed but she laid there (mortuary) for almost a week. We were too distraught at the funeral to notice she’s wearing the same outfit she left home in even though my mom send a new one along. I told my mom about the dream, she investigated and it turned out to be true, shame on them. I didn’t make anything of it because it was my granny, I missed her terribly and it made sense to dream of her.

Incident 2:

My friend was in a relationship, extremely happy in love. I had a dream that they broke up and I didn’t tell her. My reason for that was that I was afraid she might freak out and find reasons to break up with him to avoid heartache. About a week later she called me to tell me that they broke up because he’s moving away and they don’t want to have a  long distance relationship.

Incident 3:

A friend of mine had a loved one in hospital. Very ill but the doctors were hopeful this person will pull through and even talked about releasing said person later that week. I fell asleep at around midnight, as usual and woke up (at least I thought I was awake) around 01:00am to someone calling my name. Recognized the voice as the person who’s currently in hospital and I got scared. Person called about 3 times and then the voice went quiet. Next morning I get a text that the person passed away around the same time they called my name in my dream. I often wished that I’ve responded as the person wanted to leave a message for loved ones left behind perhaps but I was too scared.

Incident 4:

Most recent one and the pattern changed dramatically. Had a dream about a loved involved in an accident, car went over a bridge into a river and they miraculously survived. Less than a month later I get news that a loved one (closed to them) passed away. Said person suddenly struggled to breath, was taken to hospital, got medication and was sent home where he passed away

I’ve had dreams as recent as this morning and for the first time I featured in it. Kinda scary but I’ve learned to live with it. Next time you see me with circles under my eyes, yawning or looking haggard, just know that I have very good reasons for it.

Absent fathers...

This is one piece I’ve always wanted to do but I couldn’t because it still hurts so much. As gathered from the first sentence, this is personal, I’ve lived it. What inspired me to write this? you might wonder. And I might answer you that it had everything to do with the wonderful power of music. The power that one song has to open up wounds and take you back to a place you wish you’ve never been. That song is Piece by Piece by Kelly Clarkson …ever since I saw her emotional performance on AGT this song has been haunting me. It spoke to me, I felt as if I sat down with her and compared stories and realized we’re not that different. Sadly that’s the story of a lot of people and this is mine…

“And all I remember is your back...”

That’s the opening line of the song and that’s all I ever saw…your back as you turned around and walked away upon seeing my face. Growing up I never felt that something was missing, I mean I had the love of family and friends, what more do you need? As I got older I noticed that some of my friends had something I didn’t…a father who protected and provided for his family. I questioned my mom, boy did I question her. She explained in terms a 9 year old could understand that daddy is not here, he never was and probably never will be. I though he died, that was the only logical explanation I had, God bless my innocent mind. Turns out he didn’t, just had another family…or two. I pestered my mom to meet him and blamed her because I thought she kept me away from him. I’d never be able to erase the pain I’ve caused her with my accusations but I do know that she forgave me. She gave in but warned me that life is not a fairytale, that just because I wanted him in my life, wouldn’t constitute to him being in my life.

I vividly remember the day set aside to meet him. He didn’t live far from us, ironically. If I were older and smarter I would’ve realized that if he wanted to see me, he would’ve. What did I know? I was an innocent 9 year old who had never experienced pain and rejection before, who had been sheltered by the love of a strong woman who played both parental roles in my life. I made sure I wore my best dress and shoes to meet him, hair neatly tied up and face scrubbed until it shined, I was so excited. As things tend to go with children we get easily distracted. You see I’ve always wanted one of those cute backpacks, the ones that recently made their return to the fashion scene again, and I happen to spot the perfect one. Whilst running towards the stall where they were selling it, my father showed up, saw me and my mom, immediately turned around and walked away. When my mom said, “there’s your father..” all I saw was his back. My mom called after him but I guess he suddenly lost his hearing. I don’t know how long I stood there, waiting for him to come back…but he didn’t.

I didn’t utter a word about him to my mom again. We went home and I rummaged through her things as I always did and stumbled upon letters from him. It’s safe to say that if I saw those before, I would never have insisted on meeting him. Words, however meaningless it might be to some, can kill someone inside. How do you deal with rejection from someone that you’re a part of? How do you accept the fact that you were never granted an equal opportunity to decide whether this is what you want or not? How do you trust someone when they say “I love you” when those who have “no choice” can decide not to love you?

He died when I was 12, I cried for hours on end when I heard the news…I cried for that little girl who had to grow up overnight because of him, I cried for lost opportunities to tell him “I forgive you”, I cried because my faith in human beings were shattered, I cried because despite what he did I still loved him, how could I not? He’s one of the reasons for my existence, whether it was by his mistake it was still God’s design. I cried…and then I stopped…I was done and I’ve never shed a tear for him again…not until I started writing this and relived everything again. I stayed away from relationships until the age of 17 and I made sure it never worked out. Whenever things were great I’d find a way to mess it up, when it got serious, I walked away like he did. I never trusted them nor did I make any attempts to justify my actions.  I could walk away from a 2 year relationship and not feel anything, yes I know that’s messed-up but emotions were my Achilles’ heel, my kryptonite. I didn’t want to feel because it leaves you vulnerable and exposed and at the mercy of others.

I realized that I was on the path to self destruction and slowly but surely turning into him. I’ve decided that even though his blood is flowing through my veins, I will not become him. I have a strong, kind mother who did everything she possibly could to ensure I have everything I need. Her love and compassion saved me, her faith in me was unwavered and I drew my strength from that. I’ve realized that I need a fresh start, a new beginning…I moved and left everything behind to start a new life and work on me, focus on healing. I’m in the best possible space for me at this moment and I’m still working on my trust issues but I’ll get there, sooner rather than later. I can look at myself in the mirror and see me, not my past or my father…just me and I love it.