9 Things to do in your 20's

We always see articles telling you “what to do in your 20’s” or “what you should achieve in your 20’s” and quite frankly it always make me feel inadequate. I’m in my 20’s, for now and most of those things I haven’t even achieved and most probably won’t because that’s not my mission in life. On the other hand you can’t compare us “normal” 20-something year olds to the likes of Rihanna, Taylor or Adele as we’ll always come up short. I’ve decided to do my own list, based on what I’ve achieved or set out to still achieve.

1. Have fun

I know that sounds like something to do in your toddler and preteen phase but we often forget to let loose and just have fun. I did that in my early 20’s and to a certain extent it’s out of my system now. If I go out out twice a month that’s sufficient which means that it won’t interfere with my job etc. If you don’t get it out of your system, you’ll end up being the only 40 year old in the club, hitting on people in their 20’s, I’ve seen it and it’s sad so don’t be that guy/gal.

2. Travel 

Early 20’s are perfect for exploring the world, broadening your horizons.If you don’t have money, work while you travel. Au pair, if you love kids, work on a farm in Texas, etc. Also it’s imperative to find the right people to make new discoveries with. I haven’t travelled that much, sadly but that’s my own fault as I was too afraid. You know how you make excuses all the time? I can’t work in Brazil because I don’t speak nor understand Portuguese, I can’t be a waiter in Paris because I don’t speak French etc. but you know what? There’s always someone that speaks/understand English almost everywhere so you don’t have an excuse. Do start off in your own country with roadtrips, “shot left” etc. to get familiar with the concept.

3. Empower yourself

Make provision for your future i.e do courses that will help you at a later stage in life. I’ve done everything from debt consolidation, law, psychology to computer classes, one of those things will help you in your future career. If you don’t know where to go, have a look at Shaw Academy, they offer amazing online courses that are free of charge. Get that diploma or degree or even that experience in a field that you know you love and would love to work in.

4. Make lasting friendships

You won’t always have the same friends throughout life, if you do, consider yourself lucky. Find people that will grow with you and support you on your journey. For some people that constitute of 4-5 people, for others it’s more, others less. There’s no set number of bffs you can have but make sure it’s people you trust, that’s reliable and will be honest with you.

5.Take a leap of faith

Whether it’s working in a new field without experience, moving across the country/globe to do what you love or falling in love with someone that’s not your type…do it! Life’s too short to always be cautious, weigh the pros and cons or be afraid to take risks. You only have one life, make the best of it.

6.Save and Invest 

It’s important to save money and invest wisely. I know that a lot of the youngsters (I sound like an old hag) believe in this “YOLO” philosophy but what if you live until you’re 80 and you haven’t saved a dime? What will happen to you? Who will look after you? We hear too many horror stories of the elderly being abused at homes when their children are unable to look after them. Speak to a financial advisor or a broker to find out what’s affordable for your lifestyle. If you are interested in figuring out what your net worth is, check out Personal Capital’s net worth calculator.

7.Love unconditionally

Whether it’s a human being or a pet, love someone unconditionally that is NOT related. Lasting relationships are forged in your mid to late 20’s as at this age you ought to be emotionally matured enough for it. If you’re not, nothing wrong with it. If you prefer to be single and focus on your career, that’s okay but do go out on dates and meet new people. Kiss all the frogs you have to to get to your Prince Charming.

8. Make memories

This ties in with lasting friendships and travelling. Make memories that will make you smile even when you’re 80, sitting on the stoep in your rocking chair. Life is not lived if you don’t make memories.

9.Leave a legacy 

Or rather start working on the legacy you’d like to leave behind. We’re not guaranteed a full life and we don’t know how much time we’ll have to work on our legacy so you use every waking moment to ensure you leave behind a legacy that will be worthy of the amazing human being you are.

My unofficial number 10 would be to achieve everything people said you never would. If you want to do modelling but were always considered to short or too skinny, do it. Show them that once you put your mind to it, you can achieve it. Mingle with celebs, buy that house and car you promised your mom, do whatever makes your little heart happy but never forget where you came from, ever because if you, you won’t know where you’re heading.

Tribute to friendship.

I’ve never had a lot of friends, quite frankly I don’t see the use of having hundreds of friends when only a handful might turn out to be the real Mccoy. I know I’m not the easiest person to be friends with as I’m quite selfish, self-centred if you may, annoyingly stubborn and spoiled. I’ve build a wall so high that you’d have to attack it with a sledgehammer to get in and I’ve never made it easy for anyone to get close to me. I have my reasons of course, the usual I-thought-they-were-my-friends-but-they-stabbed-me-in-the-back syndrome featured for as long as I can remember, I would bend over backwards for someone and what do I get in return? A shrug of the shoulder accompanied by “I’m sorry for letting you down”, sometimes there’s not even an apology involved, a clear indication that I should just “get over it” or “deal with it”. I’ve tried the whole “be the friend you’d like to have” philosophy but were yet to reap the rewards.

I’ve given up on friendship and that’s the best thing I ever did, in my opinion. After making peace with the fact that I’ll only ever have acquaintances,being an only child doesn’t really help, I’ve made the best, most loyal friends ever!Without going out there, looking for them, they found me and I’ve never been happier. It’s a huge load of my shoulders to be able to trade secrets, reveal my most outrageous fantasies and scandals and still have someone accept me for who I am and not what I did when I was young (I’ve never been stupid just naive). Having someone around to discuss nothing and everything, being able to read their mind and laugh uncontrollably about stupid things. They’re not my friends, they’re my long-lost siblings, my family; a bond formed by mutual understanding, trust and love. I’ll take drastic measures to protect them, I’d sacrifice everything to help them, bring a smile upon their faces, offer them support and just be there for them.

In my darkest hour they were my ray of sunshine, my pillar of strength and my much-needed support system. I didn’t realize how much they meant to me until I needed someone there…and they were.I can’t possibly repay them as I don’t even think they realize how much their love and support meant to me but I’ll try, even if it takes a lifetime to do just that. Friends truly are angels without wings, sent down from heaven to help us heal and to prove that we’re all capable of unselfish love and care. This piece is dedicated to all the “wingless” angels in my life, I love and appreciate you. 

Love Yourself...

Christina Aguilera once sang,”You are beautiful no matter what they say,words can’t bring you down.” The latter is, no matter how badly we want it to be, not true. Words can and has always been able to bring you down, regardless of the level of confidence you possess. I always thought that if you know your weaknesses or shortcomings and make peace with it, no one can use it against you but I was sadly mistaken, it still hurts. Many have been talking body confidence so allow me to add my 2 cents.

Idealistic standards have always been set by the media and fashion industry specifically. The whole size 0 concept has always been the metaphorical thorn in my side and I’ll tell you why: I’m naturally skinny, petite or whatever you may call it and most people assume that I starve myself or have this crazy fitness regime when in actuality neither are the case. I eat more than a lot of people I’ve met and I’ve only been in the gym 3 months of my life. I walk my dog whenever I have the energy to, which ranges from everyday to once every 2nd week. The scale is not my friend, never has been and probably never will be. My reason for that might be completely different to most people as you usually hate the scale when you want to shed the pounds and don’t see the difference in numbers. Mine is simply that I want to gain weight and it’s disheartening when you’ve scoffed down tons of food for months and there’s no increase in that number.

I find it highly irritating when people scold me for trying to gain by reminding me how many people would “kill” to look like me. I honestly don’t care, you do you and I’ll do me. All I want to do it gain weight and actually look like someone in her late 20’s and not some 15 year old boy. I don’t get excited about the concept of shopping anymore, even though it’s one of my indulgences because everything I like is usually too big for me and I don’t have the energy or sewing skills to alter it.

People seem to preach a lot about overweight/thick people accepting themselves and loving their bodies. I agree wholeheartedly with that but I don’t agree with statements such as “real men love curves, only dogs like bones.” Seriously? You can’t empower one without putting the other down? You think I like being able to literally count my ribs? Or that it’s fun walking into a table and experiencing paralysing pain because you hit your protruding hipbone? Or walking into a shop and the only things that actually fit you have flowers and butterflies on it? Yes I’m skinny and I’ve been that way my entire life. I’ve had people asking me if “Are you sick?” or my absolute favourite, “Do you tik?” at a time when I didn’t even know what the hell tik was nor have I ever actually seen it.

As a skinny person it’s assumed that you don’t have the usual problems of stretch marks, cellulite, body insecurities etc. but trust me we do, well I do. I’ve never worn skirts or short dresses because I hated my skinny legs, I don’t wear watches because they slip right off and chokers, don’t even get me started on those.It might seem like I’m complaining, which I am to a certain extent but I just wanted to put it out there. We all suffer from insecurities, whether you’re skinny or fat, beautiful or less beautiful than prescribed by social standards. It took me a really long time to accept what I look like and the struggles that comes along with it but all of that work comes undone when someone makes an insensitive remark.

My conclusion is that no one is ever 100% happy with the way they look, if they were makeup brands, medical clinics etc. wouldn’t be booming businesses. The point is it’s OK to want to change a few things about yourself as long as you’re still YOU. My motto has always been, “I may not be perfect to you but I’m perfectly me” and I try to bear that in mind whenever I’m faced with negativity. I hope you find yours if you haven’t already.

Stalked: My tale of horror 

I love using my personal experiences to get a point across as a) it’s easier to write about and b) it provides credibility to my work. I’ve had an interesting conversation with a male colleague yesterday about sexual harassment that women are subjected to on a daily basis and he agreed that some men “just ruin things for everyone”. About 2 years ago I went through something that I don’t wish on any woman, ever. It all started when he stopped next to me on my way to work. Firstly, do you honestly think that women should be flattered if and when you stop next to her in your vehicle? If we were, we’d all be “ladies  of the night” as that’s how it made me feel. Secondly, I don’t need a ride, did you see my hand stretched out with my thumb raised? If not, then don’t stop and offer me a ride thinking I’ll get into a vehicle with a stranger, as that’s what you are to me. I’m straying but you get what I’m saying. Anyway I responded and told him that I work in the next street, 8 minutes from home and he responded, “I know”.

At this point I actually looked at his face and realized that I’ve never seen him before. How did he know where I worked? I kept my cool and told him I need to go because I’m late for work and he responded, “I know, you usually start at 09h00”. Alarm bells went off instantly and I literally ran away from him. I looked over my shoulder and realized he was following me but I continued running. When I finally reached the office, stressed out and exhausted, guess who’s waiting outside next to his car? You guessed it, Mr Stalker himself! He had the nerve to smile at me like he has every right to invade my space and asked for my number. I froze as he approached me as I didn’t know what he’s capable off. He saw the sheer panic on my face and just smiled, in his mind he wasn’t doing anything wrong, he just wanted my number…what’s so bad about that? Luckily one of my colleagues walked up to me and he scattered, got into his car and drove off. I dropped to my knees and started crying, I couldn’t believe what just happened. This is a road I walk every single day, a road I felt safe on and now, now I have to look over my shoulder, memorize licence plates so I would know when it’s him, is this really a life I wanted?

Over the next 3 months or so I lived in fear. Walking to work didn’t bring me the joy it used to and I encountered him a few occasions but simply ignored him. I couldn’t sleep, focus on work or even walk Summer as I used to. I eventually decided that I’ve had enough, that it’s ludicrous to allow a stranger to rule my life. I went on holiday, saw my mom and it became a distant memory. Upon returning to Johannesburg, I’ve decided to start my daily walk/run with Summer and even walked to work again. Things went well until I arrive at the office one day and saw his car in the parking lot. I immediately freaked out and when my colleague eventually managed to calm me down, I told her who he was. As I approached reception, I gingerly asked them what he’s doing here. To my shock he was there to see my CEO about a job offer, the very same man that made my life a living hell might turn out to be my colleague if I don’t do something drastic about it. After the meeting concluded, I finally confided in my CEO about his identity and he was refused a position. That didn’t stop him though, he started his own company and guess where he rented office space? You guessed it, he’s renting an office here and I’m subjected to seeing him every day. Turns out he’s married with a gorgeous wife and beautiful children. At first I resented him, it bordered on hate and I realized it’s not healthy, I can’t depict where he goes but I sure as hell can control my emotions. I despise anger, I try my utmost best not to get angry but it’s not always that easy. I’ve told him what effect his actions had on me, I expressed my anger towards him and he apologized. He apologized but he still doesn’t see anything wrong with it and that’s the problem with a lot of men that does this, they don’t think it’s wrong. They think we, as women should be flattered by the attention, should consider ourselves lucky that they even display a bit of interest in us. This is the society that we live in, these are things I’m personally subjected to daily, the wolf whistling, the name calling…These are the things that we accept as a norm and it will continually happen until we take a stance.

What did I do about the situation? I’ve warned others because he didn’t stop with his tricks. He continued hitting on women despite his marital status, despite the fact that his wife and kids would visit him at the office and everyone knew he was married, he didn’t stop and that says a lot about his character. I’ve worked through my anger issues, I might be forced to work in the same vicinity as him but I don’t have to acknowledge his existence. I don’t interact with him even though he continued seeking me out after all that happened. I despise him and what he represents, men are supposed to be the protectors and providers but lately that’s not the case and that’s depressing.

An ode to mothers 

Your first love, first hug, first friend…Nothing will ever compare to a mother’s unconditional love even though some may come close. This post is dedicated to all those unsung heroes, wingless angels and everyday Super Women. I’ve asked my friends, family and acquaintances to help me out by sharing what they love most or will always remember about their moms. I’ll start off by sending a special “Thank You” to my mom, Martha Pretorius.

“Mom, thank you for not turning your back on me when everybody else did, you are my strength and my beacon and I can’t imagine a world without you.”

•  Pat Shuttle all the way from LaFayette, Georgia said: “Words to live by from Mz SZU SZU my Mom. “Be kind and say nice things”

• Fellow blogger,mom and wife, Charnelle Avontuur credits her mother-in-law that “taught me what it means to be a mother.”

• Alicia wrote this heartfelt message about her mom: “My mother taught me what real friendship is. She still teaches me everyday about faithfulness, love and grace through her walk with God. she taught me that no matter what you never give up on people…..yes, you can decide to keep your distance but keep praying and keep believing in the Goodness that God placed inside of them. Above all she taught me about God and His Love for all His children. And I am yet to learn many more lessons from the woman who loved me first in this world. Rachel Arnoldus, the best mom ever.”

• My gorgeous and ever optimistic colleague, Noleen said that her mom is “completely selfless, extraordinary and wise to a point where she amazes me. The word “can’t” doesn’t exist in her dictionary and I love and admire her for that.”

• My bestie Melissa wrote: “My mom is truly my pillar of strength. After her stroke she still wants to do her motherly duties, even when she’s unable to .  She’d try it on her own and always tell me that if you ask for strength from God, He will provide. She is a true inspiration and I admire her willpower and strength everyday. I wish that one day I could be half the woman and mother she is to us.”

• Stefan’s mom always says: “Respect everybody, you are not better than anyone and no one is better than you.”

• Ntsiki was short and sweet when saying: “I’ve learned the hard way that my mother can knock me out.”

• The gorgeous Khanyisile aka Lady_K said “My mother taught me that with God, all things are possible.”

• From Madie Faith Magoro: “Dear Dimanzo, I would like to thank you for everything you’ve done and keep doing for me, all the little things I did and still do to piss you off but you still smile and show love. No woman can ever compare to you. I pray my future lady gets blessed with one of your qualities for mom you’re a remarkable soul and I’ll forever love and celebrate you!”

• The gorgeous Thuto said “Thank you for teaching me how to find my inner strength, I have  thick skin because of you.“

• Tumi got all philosophical on me when saying, “A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one can take.”

A blessed Mother’s Day to everyone and I trust that you’ll have an amazing day. If you still have a mother, treasure her every day. For those who lost their mother, my deepest condolences and I sincerely hope that you have amazing memories that will ease the pain a bit. 

Red My lips. 

For most people, April is best known for April fool but it’s also Sexual Assault Awareness month. As an almost victim or shall I say survivor of 2 near rape incidents, I consider myself extremely lucky. According to Red My Lips, Sexual Violence is a term that describes a wide range of behaviors including:

• invasion of space & leering
• sexual harassment in person or online
• taking and/or distributing sexual photos/videos without consent
• unwanted sexual touching, kissing, groping
• vaginal, anal, or oral penetration without consent
• sexual contact with someone who is incapacitated or unable to give consent
• child sexual abuse
• human trafficking

Red My lips  is an international nonprofit organization designed to raise visibility and awareness about the realities and prevalence of sexual violence, while combating rape myths and victim-blaming. They run an annual global awareness and action campaign where  fierce and fearless supporters rock red lipstick all throughout the month of April to demonstrate solidarity and support for survivors and start important conversations with people in their lives.

We all know someone who experienced sexual violence in some of the forms stated in examples above. Often we accept it even when uncomfortable because we don’t know who to turn to or where to get the necessary help. I know I didn’t, the second time it almost happened to me, I took off and ended up in Johannesburg. I’ve only disclosed the details to about 3 people and everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am. I find it extremely frustrating because that’s not a society that I want to live in. A society where the fact that I managed to avoid it somehow justify that it almost happened in the first place. One of the things that angers me is when the victim are being blamed for the incident. In my case I worked until 21h00, got off the bus around 22h00 and had a 15 minute walk home because I had no other alternatives. Just because I walked the streets of Cape Town after 22h00 doesn’t give you the right to try and rape me, if anything else it gives you the right to make sure I get home safely.

According to Red My Lips , “victim-blaming includes any statement or question that focuses on what a victim of sexual violence did or didn’t do, implying that their behavior makes them fully or partly responsible for being assaulted or for failing to prevent their assault. Victim-blaming typically stems from commonly held myths and misconceptions about sexual violence,along with people’s desire to distance themselves from these types of crimes. One of the most common examples of victim-blaming is saying someone was “asking for it.” However, victim-blaming is frequently less direct and at times unintentional.”

I stumbled upon this amazing initiative last year and joined via their Facebook page. You can support them by donating on their site, plan an event and spread the word via social media or share your story with them. The red lipstick is used as a weapon, a tool to create visibility and combat the damaging myths and victim-blaming attitudes that lead many survivors (from all walks of life) to suffer in silence.

Bear in mind that sexual violence is NOT a “women’s issue,” it is a human issue and men can also get involved. Men’s voices are not only welcome but vital if we truly want to transform our culture of sexual violence. While the majority of rapists are men, the majority of men are not rapists. Many men stay silent because they believe sexual violence is a ‘women’s issue.’ but sexual violence impacts us all. In order for real change to occur, we ALL need to join together and speak out. If you don’t want to wear red lipstick you’re welcome to wear red clothing or draw the logo on your skin to show your support to this worthy cause. Let’s all join together and put an end to sexual violence and victim-blaming.

Content and pictures courtesy of redmylips.org

  

The wonder that is natural hair.

It’s funny how the media have us believed that for hair to be considered beautiful it has to be straight, not curly and kinky. Naturalistas around the world has realized the potential and beauty that is their hair and a decline in relaxers sales across the globe had been noticed. I have naturally curly hair and for years I’ve straightened it because I didn’t have the courage to wear it as is. Four years ago I took the plunge and stopped using relaxers and eventually shaved it all off , the big chop. I haven’t had any regrets thus far and I’ve had so much fun trying out different styles like twist outs, bantu knots etc.

I’m a lazy naturalista, what that basically mean is that I don’t try out a lot of styles and usually stick to the easy ones that work for me. I know a lot of people that try every style under the sun and have a great deal of respect for them but I just don’t have the energy for it. Thus far I’ve only worn my curls as is or done an overnight twist out. After binge watching DIY tutorials for bantu knots, I’ve decided to take the plunge and try it on my own hair. I mixed water and conditioner to wet each section and applied homemade shea butter before twisting it. In order to secure it I used bobby pins, which was painful to say the least (I have a very sensitive scalp so I’ll be looking at other alternatives). I allowed it to dry overnight and went to sleep, which I might add was really uncomfortable. If you grew up with rollers like me, you’ll understand the torture. This is me with bantu knots, the goth makeup is just a lil extra as inspired by Rihanna. 

I would seriously roam the streets like this but it might scare some people, especially late night. It took me about 30 minutes to do my hair but that was because it was twisted before so it took a few brushes and combs to tame it. The next morning I added some oil to my fingertips to loosen my hair (Amla and coconut, you can never have too much moisture) and separated each “bundle” into two. I sprayed it with some holding spray and tried my utmost best not to touch it again (it was difficult). I’m quite happy with the results and got a lot of compliments and some even asked for a tutorial (seriously considering it).

Dreams...my nightmare. 

I’m one of those people that love to sleep though most of the times I’m unable to. My mind is always in overdrive and even when I’m exhausted, I’m still not one of those individuals that fall asleep as soon as their head hits the pillow. Add into the equation that I suffered from sleep paralysis from a very young age and you may understand why I dread falling asleep. I grew up with people that believed in tikoloshes, mind you I even saw one once, black magic and supernatural beings and even though it scared the living daylight out of me, I found it fascinating. At first, that was the explanation for my sleep paralysis and I believed it until I’ve heard about more people suffering the same fate and done some research on it.

For those of you who don’t know what sleep paralysis is, here’s the Wikipedia explanation: “sleep paralysis is a phenomenon in which a person either during falling asleep (hypnagogia) or awakening (hypnopompia), temporarily experiences an inability to move, speak, or react. It is a transitional state between wakefulness and sleep, characterized by muscle atonia (muscle weakness). It is often accompanied by terrifying and unusually powerful hallucinations (such as an intruder in the room) to which one is unable to react due to paralysis, and physical experiences (such as strong current running through the upper body).”

It’s a very scary thing to experience if you’re only 9 years old and no one has an explanation for it. Scarier than that was the actual explanation they’ve had, as aforementioned. I’ve been too afraid to go sleep for so many years and most people don’t understand, they don’t get why I’m still awake at midnight even when I’m extremely tired. They don’t get why, even if I’ve slept for 10 hours I’m still tired or have circles under my eyes or look like someone who hasn’t slept a wink. Some suggested alcohol or sleeping pills but I can’t do either because they mess up my dreams even more. Speaking of dreams, the reason for this post by the way…as if sleep paralysis isn’t bad enough, I dream. And no, not dreams in the common sense but dreams where it actually came true.

My dreams literally becomes my worst nightmare…every morning I wake up,praying that I won’t remember it because if I do…it never ends well. The dreams started long after the sleep paralysis, I was 17 at the time and in matric. I won’t mention their real names but all of this actually happened. I’ll only mention 4 incidents even though there’s a lot more because I really don’t want to relive everything right now.

Incident 1:

My grandmother passed away at home when I was 17 at the age of 86. She had a mild stroke, lost feeling in the one side and passed away a week later. Everyone was in the room with her when it happened except me and apparently her eyes were scanning everyone intently (she couldn’t really talk at the end). Everyone could see she’s holding on to see someone, we thought it was one of her kids as only my mom was there out of the 4 but as soon as I walked in, her eyes fixed on me and she blew out her last breath. A week after her funeral I had a dream about her. She told me that they never washed her at the mortuary, which I think is standard procedure. My mom washed her after she passed but she laid there (mortuary) for almost a week. We were too distraught at the funeral to notice she’s wearing the same outfit she left home in even though my mom send a new one along. I told my mom about the dream, she investigated and it turned out to be true, shame on them. I didn’t make anything of it because it was my granny, I missed her terribly and it made sense to dream of her.

Incident 2:

My friend was in a relationship, extremely happy in love. I had a dream that they broke up and I didn’t tell her. My reason for that was that I was afraid she might freak out and find reasons to break up with him to avoid heartache. About a week later she called me to tell me that they broke up because he’s moving away and they don’t want to have a  long distance relationship.

Incident 3:

A friend of mine had a loved one in hospital. Very ill but the doctors were hopeful this person will pull through and even talked about releasing said person later that week. I fell asleep at around midnight, as usual and woke up (at least I thought I was awake) around 01:00am to someone calling my name. Recognized the voice as the person who’s currently in hospital and I got scared. Person called about 3 times and then the voice went quiet. Next morning I get a text that the person passed away around the same time they called my name in my dream. I often wished that I’ve responded as the person wanted to leave a message for loved ones left behind perhaps but I was too scared.

Incident 4:

Most recent one and the pattern changed dramatically. Had a dream about a loved involved in an accident, car went over a bridge into a river and they miraculously survived. Less than a month later I get news that a loved one (closed to them) passed away. Said person suddenly struggled to breath, was taken to hospital, got medication and was sent home where he passed away

I’ve had dreams as recent as this morning and for the first time I featured in it. Kinda scary but I’ve learned to live with it. Next time you see me with circles under my eyes, yawning or looking haggard, just know that I have very good reasons for it.