Pain...

Pain, let’s talk about pain. If you haven’t experienced it, you haven’t lived yet but that’s just my theory. I think that pain is an important part of learning, it is something that you don’t want to experience again yet when you do, it feels like home. The familiarity is comforting, you’re prepared for whatever comes next; you know when the next tear will fall, when the next memory will flood your mind because in love pain is always the same. It might have different levels of intensity but the underlying emotions are the same. You might wish that you could change the past, you hold onto something because you think by some miracle it’s going to work, that the past will come undone, that it will be no more. That what happened doesn't really matter, all that really matter is the future that you've planned in your head. Until you realize that it doesn't really matter that you've planned that future because you've planned it with someone in it and that someone doesn't quite see their future with you. You spend years trying to convince them that you belong there, that they could rewrite their future to have you in there. Unfortunately you can’t force it if they don’t want you in there, if they can’t have you in there, once they've made up their mind, nothing and mean absolutely nothing is going to change that. You deal with your pain in silence; you walk around with a smile plastered on your face. Everyone that you meet will remember your smile and be unaware of the underlying pain and misery. You would want them to remember you for your smile and constant happy aura, if this was your swansong-that’s how you’d want to go out. Deep down, you’re dying, every day a little piece of you dies never to be resurrected again, you ask yourself: Is the love that I have in my heart, really worth all the pain that I’m experiencing? You try to tell yourself daily that it will get better, that love always prevails, that true love always prevail as that what you believe yours to be. It’s not just some fly-by-night romance, something that you will forget in a few days, or months, or years…you will remember it for the rest of your life. It will prevent you from leaving or moving on because you feel like you've met your soul mate and you’ll never love another, to walk away would mean that you’ll be unhappy forever so why not just stay and be happy- even if it’s just for a few minutes. You wake up in the middle of the night; alone, no warmth on the other side of the bed, it hasn't been slept in but you still hold on, you still believe that it will get better. You start feeling like a little puppy, lapping up any sign of affection, you hold on to it, treasure it- that’s what get you through those lonely nights when you cry yourself to sleep, which is basically every night for as long as you care to remember. You are left alone with your thoughts, which end up bringing more tears to your eyes and once it starts, the waterfall is unstoppable. You have to allow it to run its course and leave you drained, you wake up and face a new day with a smile-plastered onto your face. You realize that in a twisted turn of events, you’re no different than a clown, you have to pretend to be happy, bring a smile to other’s faces but deep  down inside you’re just a sad little human being and you’re able to admit that to yourself because it makes it easier to live with. The question remains: Do you want to live like that for the rest of your life; do you want to be unhappy and hope that things will work out? In a year, maybe two? You look back and realize it’s already been three years, five years wasted that you’ll never ever get back again. You need to decide whether you’re going to use it as a learning curve or as your crutch. Whether you’re going to move on or at least attempt to or if you will be like a caged animal whose gate was left open but it’s so used to the confinement that it’s not even going to attempt to escape and experience freedom_ life after pain. 

Gone

"Dedicated to my granny, who died at the age of 87,  I still miss her every single day of my life."

You're gone, like vapour before the sun, like a bullet fired from a gun
There's still so much I wanted to tell you
I never had the courage to tell you how much I love and appreciate you
I never imagined life without you granny
You were always there, my mentor and nanny
Your death left a void in my heart, without you I never would've survived
You were strict yet so loving at the same time, I'm so glad you were mine
You were always there when I needed you most, like the sea need the coast
I am so lucky to have had you as my grandmother, I love you like my own mother
You've set such a great example for me
Just like you, I've always wanted to be
When you got sick, I never thought you would die
When I did think about it, I would break down and cry
I'll never forget the day of your depart
It was like someone put a sword through my heart
I wanted you to stay with me but I knew it wasn't the best place for you to be
You're gone for 10 years yet your voice still lingers in my ears
I love you and always will, in my heart you're voice and laughter will never be still
I know you're happy where you are and you shine like the brightest morning star...

Thursday 08 April 2004

"This piece is dedicated to the most important person in my life, my granny. I definitely got my independant, stubborn streak from her. At the age of 87 she still insisted on doing everything herself, I loved her to bits. She suffered a stroke and was unable to do anything for herself, she needed help with feeding and couldn't even talk, it broke my heart seeing her like that. It was even more difficult for her, I could see it in her eyes. A week later she passed away, I've lost an important part of me with her but I was comforted in knowing that where she is, there's no more pain. I miss her every single day of my life and wish she was still around. Guess we can't always get what we want..."

It started off as a calm sunny day, too calm I have to say
Granny you so very very sick,it's weighing heavy on my heart just like a gaint brick
I always knew that someday I have to say goodbye
I'd hope it would be in the future, still far away
I have this strange feeling all day long, like a sad and depressing song
I don't how to put it into words, it's very hard
It's like waiting for news from a hospital ward
My mommy called me, I'm so afraid of what I'm going to see
I enter the room and saw you lying there
Helpless and fragile, it's so unfair
You try to talk but your voice is merely a whisper
It's so confusing, like a ferocious twister
I know it's time for me to say goodbye, I've tried to be strong for you, really I've tried
I just broke down and cry why?why?why?
There's a deadly silence with only your ruckled breathing to be heard
We all cry but with a smile on our face, we know you're in a far better place
We love you granny and grant you your rest, I'll always remember you, you're the best
Your love for us was so true, that's why we'll never forget you

Acceptance

"This specific piece was written in 2008/09, had to get some things out of my system and writing was the only way as I'm not the type to sit down and discuss my feelings with others, hope you enjoy it."

All my life I've been trying to be somebody else, someone my family and friends would accept
Someone they would love and care for but that someone wasn't me 
I would hide my true thoughts and feelings and tell then what they wanted to hear
Be who they wanted me to be, I never really knew who I was until I've realized something
I'm the only one that truly know and understand me
I've realized that I need to accept myself for who and what I am
All my shortcomings and mistakes
Only then I'd be able to reveal the true me to others and I wouldn't care whether they accept me or not
The only thing that matters is that I love myself
I'm gonna stop pretending to be someone I'm not and search for the real me
I know she's hidden deep down inside and I will find her
When I do, I'll be free to introduce her to the world and finally be happy...

Enough...

When is enough, enough? When do you decide to walk away?How do you even walk away after investing so much of yourself into something? Do you walk away when the words hurt instead of heal? When the hand inflict pain instead of a gentle caress? When actions tears you up inside instead of building you up? When you're on a rollercoaster of emotions instead of plain ol' happy or sad? Honestly I don't know...I don't know when enough is enough. I'm constantly weighing up pros and cons, what if I leave, what if I stay...what do I achieve by doing that? Extending the heartache, that's all. I'll never be completely happy here, how do I know that? Well I've invested more than expected in this, my all; heart and soul. What did I get in return?probably half of that, not because it can't be done but due to uncontrolable circumstances. This is not my happy ending though I've hoped it would be. It's tiring to go out and open yourself up to love and it's not being reciprocated. I honestly don't have the energy to start over and I guess that's why I'm still here, despite everything. I'd also like to know someday, when I walk away, that I gave it my all, that I've weathered all the storms that was sent my way. It will leave me drained and disillusioned but it would be a learning curve, painful yet satisfying.

Helpless

I want to help you but I don't know how. I want to ease your pain and lighten your load but where do I start? When you love someone, whether it's friend, lover or family their pain becomes yours, their struggle, heartache and battles is yours. You have to remain strong in order to support them but not loose yourself in the process. We all learn to be strong at some stage in our lives, mine started about 10years ago and it's still an everyday battle. I've hoped that by now I'd have someone to be strong with and for me but alas that wasn't my destiny. There are times when I want to give up, let life take over and just swim with the current but my inner warrior refuse to give up, refuse to admit defeat. I often feel like a hamster on a wheel, the same struggles every single day, if not my own it's someone else's. I wish I could care less, wish that I could leave them to fend for themselves but it's not in my nature. I have trouble sleeping, when I eventually do, my dreams are haunted. My days turned into nightmares and I feel like I'm calling out for help but my voice is not heard. I wish to return to my carefree teenage years, where I had no worries or troubles, where life was one big party. Adulthood left me disillusioned, robbed me of my innocence and stripped me of any naivety that I might have had about life. All that's left now is to get on that hamster wheel and start this whole cycle again or find a way off it, either way it won't be easy, guess all I need is faith...