Pain...

Pain, let’s talk about pain. If you haven’t experienced it, you haven’t lived yet but that’s just my theory. I think that pain is an important part of learning, it is something that you don’t want to experience again yet when you do, it feels like home. The familiarity is comforting, you’re prepared for whatever comes next; you know when the next tear will fall, when the next memory will flood your mind because in love pain is always the same. It might have different levels of intensity but the underlying emotions are the same. You might wish that you could change the past, you hold onto something because you think by some miracle it’s going to work, that the past will come undone, that it will be no more. That what happened doesn't really matter, all that really matter is the future that you've planned in your head. Until you realize that it doesn't really matter that you've planned that future because you've planned it with someone in it and that someone doesn't quite see their future with you. You spend years trying to convince them that you belong there, that they could rewrite their future to have you in there. Unfortunately you can’t force it if they don’t want you in there, if they can’t have you in there, once they've made up their mind, nothing and mean absolutely nothing is going to change that. You deal with your pain in silence; you walk around with a smile plastered on your face. Everyone that you meet will remember your smile and be unaware of the underlying pain and misery. You would want them to remember you for your smile and constant happy aura, if this was your swansong-that’s how you’d want to go out. Deep down, you’re dying, every day a little piece of you dies never to be resurrected again, you ask yourself: Is the love that I have in my heart, really worth all the pain that I’m experiencing? You try to tell yourself daily that it will get better, that love always prevails, that true love always prevail as that what you believe yours to be. It’s not just some fly-by-night romance, something that you will forget in a few days, or months, or years…you will remember it for the rest of your life. It will prevent you from leaving or moving on because you feel like you've met your soul mate and you’ll never love another, to walk away would mean that you’ll be unhappy forever so why not just stay and be happy- even if it’s just for a few minutes. You wake up in the middle of the night; alone, no warmth on the other side of the bed, it hasn't been slept in but you still hold on, you still believe that it will get better. You start feeling like a little puppy, lapping up any sign of affection, you hold on to it, treasure it- that’s what get you through those lonely nights when you cry yourself to sleep, which is basically every night for as long as you care to remember. You are left alone with your thoughts, which end up bringing more tears to your eyes and once it starts, the waterfall is unstoppable. You have to allow it to run its course and leave you drained, you wake up and face a new day with a smile-plastered onto your face. You realize that in a twisted turn of events, you’re no different than a clown, you have to pretend to be happy, bring a smile to other’s faces but deep  down inside you’re just a sad little human being and you’re able to admit that to yourself because it makes it easier to live with. The question remains: Do you want to live like that for the rest of your life; do you want to be unhappy and hope that things will work out? In a year, maybe two? You look back and realize it’s already been three years, five years wasted that you’ll never ever get back again. You need to decide whether you’re going to use it as a learning curve or as your crutch. Whether you’re going to move on or at least attempt to or if you will be like a caged animal whose gate was left open but it’s so used to the confinement that it’s not even going to attempt to escape and experience freedom_ life after pain.