Slut shaming...

It’s not easy to remain objective about a topic that affects so many women in our society but I’ll try my utmost best. According to Wikipedia slut shaming is “a form of social stigma applied to people who are perceived to violate traditional expectations for sexual behaviors, commonly applied to women and girls.” In Melanie Pretorius‘ words ” it’s if a woman does not conform to the social standards set in place for her by society as far as sex, her behavior and/or dress code are concerned”. Some people own the term if it’s used in reference to them (think Amber Rose) others allow it to define them and in turn it leads to them conforming, which I personally feel can only lead to depression and losing your sense of self. Gender stereotypes have been around forever and I doubt it will ever go away because we’ve decided to live and judge others by it. If a man sleeps around, he’s seen as a master, “The Man”, a hero to his friends and other dimwits but if a woman enjoys sex with multiple partners and dress provocatively, she’s seen as a slut and that information is usually used against her when she cries rape.

We’ve heard of so many cases (and I refer to South Africa specifically) where women were raped because they wear short skirts/dresses/shorts, I mean if these clothes weren’t meant to be worn, why do stores sell it? Why do we, as women have to feel ashamed of the fact that we’re confident with our bodies? Even if we walked around stark naked (think Adam and Eve) that still doesn’t give anyone the bloomin’ right to rape us! There’s a saying that if a lock can be opened by multiple keys, it’s a bad lock (referring to women sleeping around) but if a key can open every lock, it’s a master key (in reference to men sleeping around), that’s society’s twisted view on sex and the enjoyment thereof. Sleeping around should never be accepted as a norm, not for men or women, I mean if you respect yourself and your partner you won’t do it, right? If it’s a personal act of love to you, it shouldn’t be shared with just every Tom, Dick and Harry, should it?

The saddest part of slut shaming is that it’s often done by females against other females when they know their hands aren’t squeaky clean either, ever heard of “let thee without sin cast the first stone”? People will cheat, for some it’s in their DNA, others enjoy the thrill of doing something they’re not supposed to but that doesn’t justify it. Nor does saying “it’s fine for men to cheat but not for women,” who made you the judge of who may receive immunity or not? Whenever a cheating scandal occurs, the woman is always to blame…without fail. Ever heard of “it takes two to tango”? Obviously she wasn’t cheating on her own, he was a willing participant, fully aware that society would only judge her as this is the norm for men. Why are you, as men, fathers, protectors, the ones that we look up to, fine with that stereotype? Is that the legacy that you would like to leave behind for future generations? That men, the head of the family, the provider and protector, the leaders of our society will always succumb to the temptation of the flesh. That you are weak, pathetic excuses for men but it’s accepted by society so that makes it acceptable?

It’s about time you start thinking of your daughters, would you want her to be courted by someone like you? Women, you’re supposed to empower and support each other, what satisfaction do you get out of bringing your sister down? Is this really a legacy we want to leave behind for our children? What happened to love thy neighbor as thyself, would you inflict this pain and humiliation on yourself? We as a society need to take a step back and re-evaluate our stance and views on certain things, we need to understand that children does not do as we say, they do as we do, is that a future we want for them? Next time you think of hurting someone intentionally, just take a second and think “if my son/daughter has to see/hear me, would they be proud of my actions?” Try, by all means to bring back the power of ubuntu and sit back, knowing that we’re leaving this world in a better state that we found it in.

Earth, please swallow me!

I’m one of those people that absolutely dread embarrassment. I’d forward a part in a movie/TV programme where I know someone will be embarrassed as it makes me cringe,literally. I’ve lived through some minor incidents in my life that left me red in the face, like someone serenading you in the street and everyone stopped to watch or that time when you got so passionate about a topic, only to realize that the discussion is on something totally different, yes I’ve lived through all that. We’ve all had that dream, not the bathroom one in this case (don’t ever trust the bathroom in your dreams,ever) but the one where you showed up naked at school/work and everyone stared at you. I’ve had a similar experience but for someone like me, its an absolute nightmare. Allow me to take you through my morning:

I overslept, as usual but only because I always struggle to fall asleep and that makes it a daily mission to wake up. I’m on of those people who set their alarm for 08h00 but will press snooze until 08h15 and still drag myself out of bed. As you’ve gathered, I’m not a morning person at all but unfortunately I have to work for a living so I have to fake my way through. A refreshing shower usually does wonders to wake me up as does a splash of cold water to the face. I always plan my outfits in my head or the previous evening in an attempt to make mornings more bearable. This morning I decided on a cream lace skirt from David Tlale and a breezy black blouse as Johannesburg is scorching nowadays.

As pictured above, you may noticed that its a lace overlay with a petticoat thingy underneath. As I’m walking to the office (I live about 8 minutes away on foot) the skirt kept moving up and I pulled it down every time. What I didn’t realize was that I only managed to pull down the lace overlay and NOT the petticoat thingy underneath. I usually walk with earphones, listening to music as I’m able to avoid making small talk so I didn’t think it was weird when people attempted to start a conversation as it happens every day. I did however thought it was weird when someone almost caused an accident, slamming on his brakes and literally hanged halfway out of his car.

I arrived at the office, greeted everyone and went to the kitchen to make rooibos tea, my morning ritual. I went to the office of my CEO to discuss some things and walk out, not a word from anyone. As I walked to my office, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realized, to my horror, that I’m only wearing the lace, nothing else. As I turned around I prayed that my worst nightmare did not come to life but there it was…my entire buttocks, however petite it may be, on display for everyone to see! There’s not enough words to describe how I feel right now…I want to curl up in a bundle and just wait for my life to be over I don’t want to leave the comfort of my home or this office ever again! You have any idea how many people I passed this morning? Over 20 and that’s excluding the ones in their vehicles, this is utterly humiliating! I sincerely hope that I’d be able to laugh about this, someday but for now I’ll curl up in a fetal position and wait for this year or my life to be over, whichever one is first. (I know this post and the response to the incident is overly dramatic but that’s how I feel right now, I’ll be OK though…in time.)

Homeless for the night.

The caption is weird, I know but it’s actually a funny story. If you live in South Africa and you’re not familiar with load shedding, you’re either really lucky or very optimistic about being left in the dark. If you have a puppy, you’re familiar with the concept of looking for something, being unable to find it and then heading straight to their “hiding spot” to retrieve it. Combine the two and you have a recipe for disaster…I did and I learned a valuable lesson.

Here’s my story: It started off like any normal Monday, i.e. blue, blue,blue…I survived work and headed home for some well-deserved relaxation. Usually I take a bath at 10 pm but not tonight, there’s a Stevie Wonder Grammy Salute on TV and I’m not missing it for anything! Luckily Eskom was kind enough to wait until it was over before it left me in the dark. Sadly enough, we as South Africans are prepared for such occurrences by having candles on standby. As I stumbled to find mine, the lighter hit the ground and Summer, my puppy is obviously on standby to pick it up and run off into the dark. As I followed her, I stumbled over a few things, hit my knees a few times, swear words were uttered…you get the picture.When I finally located her, the lighter was nowhere to be found and I prayed that it doesn’t show up in her poop in a few days as I need it right now!  I decided to take her inside, close the sliding door slightly and wandered outside with the unlit candle in hand, in search for my lighter. As I searched, I heard a sound that made my heart stop for a few seconds; Summer jumped up against the door from the inside and I heard it locked.

Even after hearing that, I still prayed that it was my imagination or maybe a bird that got lost and flew into the door or a neighbour that was sleepwalking into a door or or or…As I slowly made my way to the door, Eskom decided to light up my life again and I realised, as I try to yank open the door that I’m locked out with no cellphone, shoes or even a warm coat. I could’ve went to the neighbours or the security but I felt so stupid, hello I was locked out of my house by my own dog, how ridiculous is that? As I contemplated a plan, I stepped on something, looked down and there was my lighter…a little too late but still it was there. After checking every door and window I’ve come to the realisation that I’m definitely locked out. My friend has a spare key but that doesn’t help me much as I have no cellphone and since we’re very lazy, we don’t memorise numbers anymore. Long story short, I decided to make a fire to keep me warm (not a big one though, didn’t want to alert the neighbours) and decided to do this like I do everything else, with total optimism. I pulled the jersey that I was wearing over my knees, put my head inside and prayed for morning to come.

It was one of the longest nights of my life, the cold seeped into every fibre of my being but I was able to do a lot of introspection throughout the night. About life, the choices I’ve made, mistakes that I need to rectify etc. Summer showed her support for me for a while by scratching on the door to get out but after a while she got onto the couch and fell asleep. I thought about those living on the street every single day, freezing every single night without a fire to keep them warm, without a flimsy jersey to preserve some warmth, without a home to return to in the morning and I got less angry about my current fate, I felt less colder as I realised that I probably won’t have to do this again but so many others don’t have that luxury that I have. They don’t have a home that’s a spare key away or a warm bath that will destroy the memory of the cold felt throughout the night or food that will erase the memory of the hunger you felt throughout the night. I felt so much shame at my anger and tears, shame at the fact that I take so much for granted, shame that I had to be locked out to realise all of this. When morning arrived, I witness the sunrise for the first time in a really long time and I wept, tears of shame at my ignorance…I want to be happier, thankful for blessings I receive but mostly I want to help…not just by donating clothes and food or giving spare change…I want to make a difference…I don’t know how yet but I will soon.