Pain...

Pain, let’s talk about pain. If you haven’t experienced it, you haven’t lived yet but that’s just my theory. I think that pain is an important part of learning, it is something that you don’t want to experience again yet when you do, it feels like home. The familiarity is comforting, you’re prepared for whatever comes next; you know when the next tear will fall, when the next memory will flood your mind because in love pain is always the same. It might have different levels of intensity but the underlying emotions are the same. You might wish that you could change the past, you hold onto something because you think by some miracle it’s going to work, that the past will come undone, that it will be no more. That what happened doesn't really matter, all that really matter is the future that you've planned in your head. Until you realize that it doesn't really matter that you've planned that future because you've planned it with someone in it and that someone doesn't quite see their future with you. You spend years trying to convince them that you belong there, that they could rewrite their future to have you in there. Unfortunately you can’t force it if they don’t want you in there, if they can’t have you in there, once they've made up their mind, nothing and mean absolutely nothing is going to change that. You deal with your pain in silence; you walk around with a smile plastered on your face. Everyone that you meet will remember your smile and be unaware of the underlying pain and misery. You would want them to remember you for your smile and constant happy aura, if this was your swansong-that’s how you’d want to go out. Deep down, you’re dying, every day a little piece of you dies never to be resurrected again, you ask yourself: Is the love that I have in my heart, really worth all the pain that I’m experiencing? You try to tell yourself daily that it will get better, that love always prevails, that true love always prevail as that what you believe yours to be. It’s not just some fly-by-night romance, something that you will forget in a few days, or months, or years…you will remember it for the rest of your life. It will prevent you from leaving or moving on because you feel like you've met your soul mate and you’ll never love another, to walk away would mean that you’ll be unhappy forever so why not just stay and be happy- even if it’s just for a few minutes. You wake up in the middle of the night; alone, no warmth on the other side of the bed, it hasn't been slept in but you still hold on, you still believe that it will get better. You start feeling like a little puppy, lapping up any sign of affection, you hold on to it, treasure it- that’s what get you through those lonely nights when you cry yourself to sleep, which is basically every night for as long as you care to remember. You are left alone with your thoughts, which end up bringing more tears to your eyes and once it starts, the waterfall is unstoppable. You have to allow it to run its course and leave you drained, you wake up and face a new day with a smile-plastered onto your face. You realize that in a twisted turn of events, you’re no different than a clown, you have to pretend to be happy, bring a smile to other’s faces but deep  down inside you’re just a sad little human being and you’re able to admit that to yourself because it makes it easier to live with. The question remains: Do you want to live like that for the rest of your life; do you want to be unhappy and hope that things will work out? In a year, maybe two? You look back and realize it’s already been three years, five years wasted that you’ll never ever get back again. You need to decide whether you’re going to use it as a learning curve or as your crutch. Whether you’re going to move on or at least attempt to or if you will be like a caged animal whose gate was left open but it’s so used to the confinement that it’s not even going to attempt to escape and experience freedom_ life after pain. 

Gone

"Dedicated to my granny, who died at the age of 87,  I still miss her every single day of my life."

You're gone, like vapour before the sun, like a bullet fired from a gun
There's still so much I wanted to tell you
I never had the courage to tell you how much I love and appreciate you
I never imagined life without you granny
You were always there, my mentor and nanny
Your death left a void in my heart, without you I never would've survived
You were strict yet so loving at the same time, I'm so glad you were mine
You were always there when I needed you most, like the sea need the coast
I am so lucky to have had you as my grandmother, I love you like my own mother
You've set such a great example for me
Just like you, I've always wanted to be
When you got sick, I never thought you would die
When I did think about it, I would break down and cry
I'll never forget the day of your depart
It was like someone put a sword through my heart
I wanted you to stay with me but I knew it wasn't the best place for you to be
You're gone for 10 years yet your voice still lingers in my ears
I love you and always will, in my heart you're voice and laughter will never be still
I know you're happy where you are and you shine like the brightest morning star...

Thursday 08 April 2004

"This piece is dedicated to the most important person in my life, my granny. I definitely got my independant, stubborn streak from her. At the age of 87 she still insisted on doing everything herself, I loved her to bits. She suffered a stroke and was unable to do anything for herself, she needed help with feeding and couldn't even talk, it broke my heart seeing her like that. It was even more difficult for her, I could see it in her eyes. A week later she passed away, I've lost an important part of me with her but I was comforted in knowing that where she is, there's no more pain. I miss her every single day of my life and wish she was still around. Guess we can't always get what we want..."

It started off as a calm sunny day, too calm I have to say
Granny you so very very sick,it's weighing heavy on my heart just like a gaint brick
I always knew that someday I have to say goodbye
I'd hope it would be in the future, still far away
I have this strange feeling all day long, like a sad and depressing song
I don't how to put it into words, it's very hard
It's like waiting for news from a hospital ward
My mommy called me, I'm so afraid of what I'm going to see
I enter the room and saw you lying there
Helpless and fragile, it's so unfair
You try to talk but your voice is merely a whisper
It's so confusing, like a ferocious twister
I know it's time for me to say goodbye, I've tried to be strong for you, really I've tried
I just broke down and cry why?why?why?
There's a deadly silence with only your ruckled breathing to be heard
We all cry but with a smile on our face, we know you're in a far better place
We love you granny and grant you your rest, I'll always remember you, you're the best
Your love for us was so true, that's why we'll never forget you

Acceptance

"This specific piece was written in 2008/09, had to get some things out of my system and writing was the only way as I'm not the type to sit down and discuss my feelings with others, hope you enjoy it."

All my life I've been trying to be somebody else, someone my family and friends would accept
Someone they would love and care for but that someone wasn't me 
I would hide my true thoughts and feelings and tell then what they wanted to hear
Be who they wanted me to be, I never really knew who I was until I've realized something
I'm the only one that truly know and understand me
I've realized that I need to accept myself for who and what I am
All my shortcomings and mistakes
Only then I'd be able to reveal the true me to others and I wouldn't care whether they accept me or not
The only thing that matters is that I love myself
I'm gonna stop pretending to be someone I'm not and search for the real me
I know she's hidden deep down inside and I will find her
When I do, I'll be free to introduce her to the world and finally be happy...

Enough...

When is enough, enough? When do you decide to walk away?How do you even walk away after investing so much of yourself into something? Do you walk away when the words hurt instead of heal? When the hand inflict pain instead of a gentle caress? When actions tears you up inside instead of building you up? When you're on a rollercoaster of emotions instead of plain ol' happy or sad? Honestly I don't know...I don't know when enough is enough. I'm constantly weighing up pros and cons, what if I leave, what if I stay...what do I achieve by doing that? Extending the heartache, that's all. I'll never be completely happy here, how do I know that? Well I've invested more than expected in this, my all; heart and soul. What did I get in return?probably half of that, not because it can't be done but due to uncontrolable circumstances. This is not my happy ending though I've hoped it would be. It's tiring to go out and open yourself up to love and it's not being reciprocated. I honestly don't have the energy to start over and I guess that's why I'm still here, despite everything. I'd also like to know someday, when I walk away, that I gave it my all, that I've weathered all the storms that was sent my way. It will leave me drained and disillusioned but it would be a learning curve, painful yet satisfying.

Helpless

I want to help you but I don't know how. I want to ease your pain and lighten your load but where do I start? When you love someone, whether it's friend, lover or family their pain becomes yours, their struggle, heartache and battles is yours. You have to remain strong in order to support them but not loose yourself in the process. We all learn to be strong at some stage in our lives, mine started about 10years ago and it's still an everyday battle. I've hoped that by now I'd have someone to be strong with and for me but alas that wasn't my destiny. There are times when I want to give up, let life take over and just swim with the current but my inner warrior refuse to give up, refuse to admit defeat. I often feel like a hamster on a wheel, the same struggles every single day, if not my own it's someone else's. I wish I could care less, wish that I could leave them to fend for themselves but it's not in my nature. I have trouble sleeping, when I eventually do, my dreams are haunted. My days turned into nightmares and I feel like I'm calling out for help but my voice is not heard. I wish to return to my carefree teenage years, where I had no worries or troubles, where life was one big party. Adulthood left me disillusioned, robbed me of my innocence and stripped me of any naivety that I might have had about life. All that's left now is to get on that hamster wheel and start this whole cycle again or find a way off it, either way it won't be easy, guess all I need is faith...

The Real ME...

People think I got it all together,with the show of my sweet sweet smile. Do they know if I've been happy ever, pull up a chair cause this may take a while. So here's the thing...I've got my bad days and some are even worse,I can be a blessing and you know,I can be a curse.I tremble at rejection,I'm scared to be alone,sometimes I may be selfish but I always make it home This is the real me,am I the girl you want me to be?This is the real me,with flaws and fears of intimacy,this is the real me ,can you face it?can you feel it?can you take it?can you deal with the real me? So now you see that I'm far from perfect,I will fall and I will make mistakes,but I am here and this has taken courage.Will you abandon me or will you stay? I know that I'm demanding and sometimes insecure,I think I got the answers but then I'm not so sure. I sometimes need attention,a little more than I should but there is a part of me,that'd give the whole world if I could. Now that I've gone and let you in and I no longer will pretend will you please still be my friend?

To answer your question
I'm writing this note hoping that i won't get the following questions'Do you have a boyfriend'or 'Why are you single'again.Let me start off by saying,I'm not lesbian.Though curious by this notion,i haven't wandered that path...yet;-)Jokes aside:Those who know me personally,would agree that I'm irritatingly independent stubborn and not as interesting as others might think i am hehe.I tend to get bored easily,flirts without realising it and are very open about my feelings,if you get close enough.I want to be the core of your existence,the one you turn to for advice or just a hug.I want you to let me be me,not smother me,don't get jealous or possessive and please don't get obsessed.I want you to give me space when needed,but be there when i need you.I want you to hold my hand in public,kiss my forehead,be proud to say:'She's with me',be silly with me,dance in the rain.Just hold me,feeling our heartbeats turning into one.Look at me like I'm the only girl that ever mattered in your life,show me rather than tell me how you feel.Allow your hand to find mine like your heart found mine.Be patient with me,try to understand me.Be honest with me...always,TRUST me and never allow past mistakes or experiences influence our future.Never accuse me without the facts,never treat me as though i'm fragile or a trophy.Share your joys and fears with me,laugh at my craziness.Make me laugh,mad or even sad,as long as you get an emotion out of me.Remember who you are and who i am,we together but still individuals.I want excitement,adventure not routine.Be romantic but don't overdo it.Make me feel like the first time we met;the butterflies,uncertainty...Keep me on my toes but don't make me feel unsafe.Phone just to say hi,involve me in your life...The list goes on and on...If you think you meet the criteria,i clearly haven't met you yet...or my eyes haven't opened yet...Also listen to Celine Dion's 'I want you to need me... 

Betrayal...

Its funny how you think that people know you especially those that have been around your entire life and then in the blink of an eye they turn on you.The pain that you experience,is indescribable,reliving the horrific incident still causes me to feel a stab through my heart,tears streaming down my cheeks,doubting myself,thinking that maybe I deserve all this heartache and anger.

Who would've thought that I'd move this far,just to get away from people I love the most?Away from their accusations and hatred!gosh I've always thought that any story has two sides and you should at least give both parties a chance to state their case, guess it's just me but to believe a stranger over your own flesh and blood?Can anyone ever forgive that? or even forget? The adult encourage her children to outcast their own blood,for what???for someone who's a manipulative liar?I pray every single day that I would be able to forgive and forget,I do.I so badly want to move on from this and be happy.

Still,he haunts me,doesn't want to leave me alone,pleading for forgiveness in destroying my life,isn't that too much to ask from me at this stage?Am I not allowed to be angry?to resent him sooo much that I don't ever want to see him again??I can honestly say I forgive him for lying,what I can't do right now,is forget what that lies cost me,I'm just not ready yet...I'm just sooo tired of being strong,now the one moment that I feel like I'm gonna break down,I'm alone,with no one who truly understand what I'm going through,in a strange place and it's all because of you...

Unconventional love poem...or not?

Why do I love you?There are so many reasons that I could list but I don’t want to be a cliché, even though in love everything tend to be just that. I love the way you push me to try new things, things I’d consider out of my reach. I love the way I feel surrounded by your love even when you’re not around. I love the way you always want things your way and I end up compromising, never had  that before.

I love the way you put up invisible barriers for me as a learning measure, I'm your willing student. I love the fact that my love for you is so overwhelming that I struggle to breath. I love the fact that there’s so many obstacles in our way but at times it doesn't bother us at all. I love the fact that you’re trying to accept me for who I am, believe me it's no easy task. I love the fact that you drive me insane, in both a good and bad way. I love the fact that I'm experiencing such intense emotions that it scares me. I love the fact that I can drive you crazy, to feel emotions that was long forgotten. 

I love the fact that I can call you my best friend, romance aside. I love that I can turn to you, even with the smallest of problems, you’re always willing to listen. I love that when you hold me, the world disappears and it’s just you and me. I love the fact that I've discovered a side of me that’s loving, unselfish and trusting, all because of you. I love the fact that I would never purposely do something to hurt you and I hope you feel the same way. I love the fact that I became a better person because you believed in me. 

I love the fact that I am happy with being me, satisfied with what I have and waking up with a smile because I have a life to look forward to. I love the fact that when I look into your eyes, I see my happiness reflecting in them. I love that when you smile, my heart smiles. I love the fact that I can have stimulating conversations with you but also mindless blabbering. I love the fact that you can make me so unhappy that I want to leave but also make me so happy that it feels like a distant memory. 

I love the fact that I can talk to you, tell you things that scares me, makes me unhappy or just make me smile and be real about it. I love the fact that you can make me forget about my painful past and live in a glorious present. I love the fact that I’m not afraid of what the future might bring because I have you here with me now and that’s all that matters. I love that you’re allowing me to be me…

YOU NEED FAMILY IN YOUR LIFE TO BE HAPPY

If you've found it odd that I wrote my heading the way I did, you're one of the lucky ones that experienced hurt and betrayal from loved ones on a smaller scale or not at all. Your love and respect for them are still intact and that's admirable.Then there are those who feel the way I do, so let's drink to that.

I've reach a point where I feel I'm better off alone and I do admit that's sad. I'm tired of being hurt by those I love the most and I'm literally on the verge of hating them,I realize that's a really strong word but hey I've said it.People can only hurt you so many times before you start resenting them.I mean for 8 years of my life I've been subjected to it,my mom thought I was paranoid,my family took advantage of that.

Now I'm stuck with trust issues,low self-esteem and a dark pit where my soul used to be. I knew I had to get away before I'd hurt myself or them, so that's what I did...I'm happier than ever!!! No family=no stress,no hatred,no self-doubt...and it feels amazing!a load has been lifted off my shoulders.  I have to adapt to living on my own but I'm getting used to it,one day at a time-on my own terms...

I'm getting my confidence back and I feel like a new person....back then I used to ask "Why Lord?"Now I know,I'm stronger and I can appreciate the little things in life.If there's one thing that I'm absolutely certain off  right now,is that I'm not going back there again...I won't be robbed of my spirit again nor will I give them the satisfaction to kick me when I'm down...Forgiving is easy,I've never stopped loving them but I'm done,it sound so wrong saying that but it feels right...this is the way forward.

Ok so I've finally found someone I can trust whole-heartedly and it feels good. To open up about things that happened decades ago,no more pain or secrets, I can finally say someone love me for the real me,no pretense and I feel enlightened. I had a conversation with God, an open-hearted one,since He already know all my hurt,suffering,humiliation and sins so it made it so much easier. I felt lifted and that's a really good feeling,I want to cling to that for as long as I can. I feel ready to face whatever comes my way

It seems like everything are going downhill today...suicidal loved ones,the one I love the most hurting me so much and expect me to be normal about it and of course just missing familiar faces and places.I feel like I'm ready to burst a vessel but I won't.According to me and some other people I'm strong,can handle everything.Well right now I need someone to be strong for me

Background...

Welcome to my world...I'm Mel from Cape Town,South Africa recently relocated to Johannesburg.This will basically be my platform to vent, share my happiness, disappointments etc. Why am doing this?I have no idea,guess I want to get things out of my system sometimes and this seem ideal....